Those days

 “A Walk to Remember” is an inevitable segment of my Diary!

I firmly know, in spite of discharging my full efforts, I can’t close the eyes to those incidents, which were real, painful, watershed to some extent as well, and I was the only eye-witness of all those ups and downs. It’s solely right that I am sick of this life in which I have no sympathy for myself. Often, I think that I have been deprived of my share of Good Days by this age! I feel myself unable to portray those days in a column, may be due to my weak English(to me) or on account of busy schedule in which I don’t have time to myself, or may be due to my unstableness. Sometimes, I think the horror of those days beggar description. I had built so many castles in the air but all breathed its last by 29^th of November. I am still asking to myself many questions and trying to cross-check myself all nights. I was right or wrong? If I was right and who was wrong and similarly if I was wrong who was right? I am not sure about getting the accurate or perfect answer off all my questions in my life, which I have written in my diary but what I am sure is- It could have been bitter, worse, more dangerous, more horrific and ultimately more wide if I had not been surrounded by my parents, well wishers and my Laptop as well, which allowed me to share myself with it by simply using MS Word. 

I first introduced to Nicholas Sparks in my Laptop, while I was watching “A walk to remember” without any company in midnight. My claim to myself to be strong enough exposed when my eyes brimmed with tears as Jamie Sullivan muttered Landon Carter “I’m scared of not being with you”. Jamie was suffering from an incurable disease and she was apprehensive for her life. She fallen in love with Landon Carter very deeply. She had tried all effort to save herself from fallen in love with anyone but she couldn’t be lucky enough in preventing herself.  

“I’m scared of not being with you”

“That’ll never happen”

The chit-chat echoed in my head and I reviewed this scene more than ten times just for reading the expression of both. How true they were! Their helplessness was displaying by their face.

Should I collate you to Jamie Sullivan and me to Landon Carter? I am little confused whether should I ahead or pause myself for introspection.

Let me sort out few things.

To me, we belonged to different world. My family had been “stripped” by one of the family members in April, 2004 and since then we had been facing extremely dire humiliation that can’t be answered in simple manner. Even my so called friends were mortifying me and I had nothing to defend myself. Not only me but also other family members were supposed to face the same experiences. It was exceptionally terrible and I am not able to find any accurate word to express my storm. Sometimes, I became furious but it was meaningless as It was a “hybrid ire”!

Correspondingly, you were also like me, a misfortunate girl, I realized, when I came to know about your muted dream to be a Doctor. You had been punished by God despite your innocence. Your wings were cut by your family members, who had worry about you.

By nature, I was always in favor to contribute as possible as I can to make you self-dependent. This was my only goal for you until you left me. I wanted to do it by hook or by crook. I wanted to see you in driving seat of your car and like a Boss with full confident. I had no hope from me but I had little from you because I had never performed well in any examination I participated in my life. I had been a very pathetic student on the other hand you were surrounded by scholars and toppers.

I had to manage various things simultaneously, had prepare myself to look after two children for long term, had prepare myself to erase those blots and scars, painted by that society where I lived for twenty years almost.  

We were not ready to find a way to be together. Neither of us knew the way to rescue ourselves from expected major challenges. We always hedged each other. I was not in favor of laying off my old parents anymore as they were already suffering from the deep pain, given by that man, on the other hand, you had to discharge your obligation to everyone in your family, who had sacrificed a lot for your survival. AIIMS was more than a Hospital for you! Of course, you had no choice but to return with your family. I could even been laid off from my Office and you knew it very well. It was an “extraordinary situation” for us.

In spite of everything, I believe that “era” was such a fine in so many other ways. I’ll tell you why, when we meet after completing our last journey. I am sure we will meet because we have to answer each other of various questions!